Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
