I wish my penis had an off switch
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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