Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
