When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
