You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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