On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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