you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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