Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
