It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Randomize
