News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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