I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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