I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
