There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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