One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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