just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
the raccoons are back...
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