I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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