Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
