We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
