New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
