That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
