i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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