i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
