I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize