I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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