Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
