Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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