I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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