ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
