i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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