How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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