i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
