It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
