The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
