Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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