Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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