Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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