when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
