I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
