Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
