Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
