I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
someone threw a dead crab at me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
