Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
