On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
