"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
