Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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