that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize