So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
