i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
