just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
