Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
honey bunches of taint.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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