My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
