Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
