Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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