I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
