Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
